I have always been guided “get it outside of yourself in all ways that feel safe and secure”- this lead me to the development of this blog site here, Shift your life design. When faced with difficulty, I teach ways to enhance the experiences through leveraging a Smile even when you didn’t feel like you could, harmonize the feelings and experiences no matter how difficult, inhale deeply as an act of self nourishment, focus beyond the pain into anything to ground you again- and to try- anything in a moment of pain just try to align yourself to something new to hold the space in some new way, even if it’s just a minimal effort at something to keep moving yourself forward through the strain.
Then my world corrupted upon me, March 9, 2024. I lost my lead, my guide, my family so I’m now learning to live without my mom and it’s already been over a month yet my heart has not left that day- as I’m suffering through so much uncertainty and doubt and vulnerability.
How do I shift again when so much has changed and now to find a life without my best friend.
I waken to her taking out the chicken. She’s got on her apron, and she’s sweating as she works to prepare her loved ones a very special meal. Mom. I hear you – help me she says, “move that so I can put this there” and yet she’s not there but still I see her and hear her and work beside her to carry out this difficult reality of a memory here.
Mom is this for real? Are you really gone now ? How am I to heal, and so there are tears.
I attempt to move through my own life finding myself back in my work in a state of care yet I am struggling to dare. How do I provide passion here- when my reality is others come here in their own difficult time- a place to try and process their truths that they struggle to endure. I’m trying to give myself to them but my own pain rises high and I’m standing there hearing about your story of losing your son too, and your an older mom, so how does this work to grieve a man gone before you- I don’t know I stay clear and I’m crying too trying to help you.
I unpack my own truth and suddenly I’m no longer here helping you, I’m trying to help me yet I am struggling immensely.
My mom was a helper and she led me to do the best for others and guided me to help them each to uncover how to live through the most difficult states, and I’m trying mom I’m just not finding the way and I am mad you aren’t here to answer my pain.
We are not ok, we’re moving through our lives but it all feels just so temporary and meaningless- just the actions to shift yet I’m not able to accept any bit of this. “Shift your thoughts my girl”. … I am mom but they only go for a moment away and they return and I can’t reason with this, so I’m failing to shift.
Many people provided gifts of comfort this past four weeks and these gestures are beautiful and kind, and do help us shift. Every card leaves a person who has been touched by my mom, with such high regard for the person she was. I am so proud of you mom. I don’t know if I ever even told you this mom but I am so proud of the person that you have become and all the ways you conquered your hard stuff mom and for this we ll keep practicing a way forward yet everything worth having is not easy, right mom?!
I hold space for my pain right now as I try to understand all the details.
For those who know my mom, you may know her story around her death- but it’s the details that I don’t quite understand – and I’m craving to know every detail that brought us to now, a life without my mom. There’s so much to knowing that helps us to process death and guide us toward the acceptance. If you ever journeyed through a sudden death you may understand the craving to what got us here – craving this to understand every hour that preceded the loss of our loved one, craving to understand the circumstances to which someone had to unravel all alone craving someone. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there mom. I made a choice to go away that weekend- but maybe I shoulda went home with the kids – but I didn’t even think of this mom. I am so mad and sad and left knowing I made a choice that now leaves me uncertain to what happened.
I walk onward with memories to which I am so glad, but I am mad.
Grieving daughter to a suddenly lost mother- April 10, 2024
Shiftyourlifedesign 